A Recent Workshop on Death and Dying
Last December I led a Death and Dying, Life and Living Workshop for my Regions. I started leading these workshops shortly after my mother died, over thirty years ago, and have led them sporadically ever since.
During the five years of my mother’s illness, I discharged heavily on life and death and re-evaluated many of my assumptions. I also learned a lot from Harvey Jackins about life and death. (See the October 2004 Present Time for an article about what I learned.)
Now, at age sixty-seven, I’m what many people would consider an “older woman.” This is a new reality. For example, elders’ oppression is more intense. I’ve also had to discharge on fears about physical and mental issues in my later years, reluctance to prepare a living will, and how I can increase the odds that my last years, whenever they might be, are how I want them to be.
The following are some insights I have gleaned from Harvey, RC literature, my own re-evaluations, and other RCers:
- It’s good to be alive and to notice that we are alive, intelligent, and aware.
- The overwhelming majority of our feelings of grief are from early hurts.
- Fear of death is completely different from death.
- The most significant thing about someone who has died is not their death but the life they lived.
- Every death is an outrage; there is never a “good time” to die. And it is also okay.
- After someone dies, we still have everything we ever had of them (up to that point) and may continue, with discharge, to deepen the relationship.
- Grieving may take longer than we or others think it “should.” Also, other distresses can attach to grief, extending and distorting it.
- Fearing the future death of a loved one can have a big effect in the present.
- Most people die from distress and oppression before or rather than from other causes.
- Assuming death is inevitable can be a distress recording. It is useful to discharge while deciding to live forever.
- We should not wait for a health crisis to work on wanting to live and fighting to live. Early discouragement and oppression can make us passive and feel like we want to give up on living.
- Disability oppression can magnify our fears of growing older and confuse us about what “quality of life” is.
- We can help someone to live well in the face of a life-threatening condition and to face death and have a good death.
Below are reports from some of the topic and support groups that met at the recent workshop. (Groups not reported on were Discharging Recordings That Keep Us from Living Life Fully, Oppression-Based Dying, Death of a Sibling, Health Care Workers and Clergy Helping People Die, Young People and Young Adults Discharging on the Future, Losing Someone to Dementia, Discharging about Suicide, Discharging on Disability Related to Aging and Chronic Illness, Discharging on Addiction, Living Wills, Planning and Discharging on One’s Own Death.)
Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA
REPORTS FROM TOPIC AND SUPPORT GROUPS
Losing a Parent When Young
When we lost our parent, others around us had little slack. We felt like no one could help, which reinforced chronic feelings of isolation and discouragement. The people around me couldn’t actually help, but their statements implied that they could. That set in a pattern of not trusting people or believing what they say.
Somerville, Massachusetts, USA
Future Death of Loved Ones
Joan’s reminder that our feelings about death are rooted in early distress was helpful. I maintained a light, relaxed tone, which offered safety for people to work at whatever level they could handle. I realized that my loved one’s mental decline restimulated feelings of anger and grief from not having had the early deep connection I had longed for.
Auburndale, Massachusetts, USA
People can often open themselves up to loving and being loved by their animals. Grieving about the (future) death of my dog set the tone for heavy discharge. It was useful for us to remember Joan’s statement that death is an outrage—and is also okay.
Medford, Massachusetts, USA
Catholics
Those of us raised Catholic (at least in my generation) have spent a lot of time focused on death. Jesus was a teacher and healer, but people encouraged us to focus on his dying (on the cross) and to “unite ourselves with his suffering” when we prayed. Most of the saints were martyrs. They died in a variety of ways—by fire, freezing, torture (crucifixion). We have imagined bravely facing such deaths.
After all these years we could discharge on Jesus dying. We tried directions like “Jesus, don’t go,” “Jesus, you had a good life,” “It’s your life that was important,” “You and I can live each moment fully.”
Newton, Massachusetts, USA
Climate Change
We need collective action to stop climate change, but as young people we had to give up some part of being connected. That’s where we worked.
Older Co-Counselors could discharge about the disappearance of certain plants and animals. Younger Co-Counselors have experienced climate change in a more general way, as an existential threat similar to the prospect of nuclear war. I grew up in the eighties and get to be scared both ways.
Weston, Massachusetts, USA
War, Genocide, and Native Liberation
War and genocide harm humans, other living things, and the environment. All of us are affected, whether we are conscious of it or not. We all have a lot of grief and outrage to discharge about war and genocide.
The United States was founded on the genocide of Indigenous people and the exploitation of African-heritage people and other peoples. The white European settlers had experienced many wars and carried harsh distresses that they acted out on Indigenous people.
War is used to uphold class oppression and make profits. The owning class makes a lot of money from selling weapons.
Newton, Massachusetts, USA
Abortion
We told in detail the stories of our abortions—how the pregnancy occurred, how we decided to have the abortion, the procedure, the feelings afterward.
It helped to talk to the baby and say goodbye. Some women found it helpful to imagine the baby fully supporting their decision to have the abortion.
For one woman, the pregnancy she’d aborted had been her only one, and she had wanted to be a mother. She was able to claim motherhood. We told her we mothers would welcome her in any mothers’ group we were part of—to great discharge.
One of the women had had an abortion (while married) because tests had shown that the child might be disabled. This had raised “quality of life” issues similar to those at the end of life.
It’s okay to not “be fine.” At the time of an abortion there can be a lot of pressure to “have it be fine.” Now we can tell the story in sessions. We can discharge on the “not fine” feelings, the confusion and sexism that led to becoming pregnant, the details of the procedure, and the pressure to “have it be just fine.”
It can be useful to discharge on pre-birth struggles, for example, having a fetal twin who died and whose death is restimulated by the abortion.
USA
(Present Time 192, July 2018)