Addressing Pornography and Other Addictions
The following is a question and answer that appeared on the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents:
I am the father of a fifteen-year-old boy. I’ve been thinking and discharging about talking with him about pornography. I’ve not spoken with him about it yet. It terrifies me and feels like a minefield, so discharging first is necessary. I’d love to hear what other parents have done when faced with this issue.
I think what we say to a young person depends on the age of the young person and what they can understand. We also want to be able to be close to the young person when we talk to them.
Before doing it, it’s useful to have sessions on our own addictions and pulls, even those we have been able to stand against. And discharging on early defeats (when we went away and numbed ourselves rather than being hurt more) works better when lots of us are doing it together.
The oppressive society forces us to give up the natural healing process. We are distracted, punished, and ignored when we feel things, so we numb ourselves so we don’t feel (and discharge), and look for connection with people who are not there. This can become a habit whenever we feel lonely, overwhelmed, in pain, or scared.
When we are little, we are also “pacified” with numbing activities, and these become confused with things (for example, air, food, or touch) we might naturally need in normal circumstances. Being offered pacifiers, sweets, and so on, when we try to discharge can lead us to nursing without connection, biting our nails, playing with our “private parts,” or sucking our thumbs. These things become a substitute for connection and can become increasingly compulsive behavior (addictions).
As we get older, many things that numb us—drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography, food we don’t need for health, sex without connection, items we don’t need—are pushed at and sold to us, and we agree to hurt ourselves with them because we feel like real connection isn’t possible. Also, although they make us feel “better” for a time, they end up making it harder for us to have the close relationships we want.
Pornography is being pushed at us in a big way now because we have the Internet. Everyone who uses the Internet (and everyone else as well) is hurt by this.
We want to stop humans from hurting humans and other living creatures. It is possible for a group to decide to do this. (We in the RC Community have done it with many harmful practices, including pornography.) And when this happens, people’s lives get better.
We can listen to each other about what is happening in our lives, let each other know what we struggle with, and decide for connection rather than numbing.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 192, July 2018)