The Preponderance of the Evidence
A number of years ago at a Regional RC workshop, we were encouraged to not let any of our Co-Counseling relationships evaporate due to challenges in the relationships but rather stay committed to moving the relationships forward. This has stayed with me, and I have thought about its implications.
With the current climate in the world and so much distress being expressed, it looks to me like it’s easier to let distresses affect our relationships with our Co-Counselors. I have realized that many of the feelings I have about my Co-Counselors are framed by my restimulations, not informed by rational thought.
The Co-Counselors I have very positive feelings about are likely appearing to fill some frozen needs.
With the Co-Counselors I am struggling with, I feel that they are not thinking, and cannot think, well about me. But I’ve realized that most likely all of them do think well about me and do their best to counsel me well, regardless of what restimulation I may be feeling about them.
Over the years my mind, happily, has come up with [thought of] the following direction: “The preponderance of the evidence is that this person loves me, cares about me, and thinks well about me.” It is unquestionably the truth about these Co-Counselors. For years they have shown me, time and again [repeatedly], their caring and good thinking. It is astounding that what I have perceived as a slight indiscretion on their part (forgetting about a session, giving me a direction that feels off the mark [inaccurate], doing something in the Region that looks to me like they are thinking poorly about me) has made me ready to give up on them, “throw them to the scrap heap,” and give up on our relationship. It indicates how powerfully my early hurt of not being thought of well still affects me. The slightest indication that someone does not think well about me (especially if I have put my trust in and been vulnerable with them as a client) makes me want to give up on them forever!
When I have a session with one of these Co-Counselors whom I am ready to “give up on,” and I say to them that “the preponderance of the evidence” is that they have shown me, over and over again for many years, how they care and think well about me, I am able to cry and cry remembering the reality of our relationship and connection.
I then come out the other end with a clear picture of the reality of our relationship. I see that the feelings I was harboring were nothing but another restimulation of the early hurts I am committed to keep working on—the feelings that I am alone, that no one can think well about me, that I may never get over [recover from] feeling alone. And I am more committed to looking at these “unbearable feelings.”
I also find that this approach puts my mind in a place where I can fight for myself. I become outraged that my mind would allow me to forget the preponderance of evidence that clearly shows that the person in front of me is “on my side,” my ally, my deeply connected and committed Co-Counselor.
Hadley, Massachusetts, USA
(Present Time 192, July 2018)