Giving Money Directly to People We Know
Dear owning-class sisters and brothers,
Recently I have been thinking about giving money directly to people I know (rather than to organizations or taxes).
Here are some of my questions:
- If I give someone money, is it okay for it to be for a certain thing (such as medical expenses or tuition) or should the recipient really be the one to decide how to spend it?
- What should I discharge on ahead of time to have a picture of how giving the money might change my relationship with the person?
- Is the decision to give the money mine to make, or should there be a process with the person who is receiving it?
- Often it is a white person giving money to a person targeted by racism. How is that relevant?
- When does it make sense to give money to people with whom I have a strictly Co-Counseling relationship?
- What have you tried, and what have you learned?
Here is what I have tried:
A friend of mine, a refugee from Guatemala, was having trouble paying for school, and I gave her $5,000 to cover one semester’s tuition. I told her that it was a loan and said that the terms of the loan were that when she had $5,000 in extra money, she should give it to someone who needed it. It seemed like giving her the money in that context didn’t adversely affect our relationship.
Last summer I read an article in the newspaper about a young white man who had helped his friend write some vile anti-Muslim graffiti. After being arrested, the man had apologized to the mosque and its members. His family was extremely poor, and he had been targeted in school by wealthier young people. I was impressed by his willingness to say he had been wrong. It seemed like a great example of someone facing their oppressor distress and apologizing publicly for it. I wanted to support him and help him financially, so that he could pay the jail fines and move forward with his life. I discharged on it a lot and then talked about it with my husband (a white Jew). He was absolutely appalled. The idea of giving money to help a hate criminal made him apoplectic. I decided it was so good for our relationship to be having this fight that I delayed writing the check.
Here is what I am considering:
Someone I am close to, inside and outside of Co-Counseling, does not have money to finish college. This is a huge obstacle for her. I could give her the money, but I am hesitating because I play a big role in her life in many ways. We are colleagues at work, I am her primary Co-Counseling leader, and she is close to my family. I’m afraid that if I give her the money, I’ll be too important in her life or she might put me on a pedestal. This may be completely distress on my part. I have more discharging to do.
Another possible “gift” I’m considering is to my white Jewish cousin. She and her family live a middle-class life but have little room for anything “extra.” Her daughter wants to have a Jewish education, and they can’t afford it. Both parents are very assimilated Jews. I think their inability to figure this out has everything to do with oppression, and I would be taking a stand against the oppression if I helped their daughter have access to Jewish learning. I made the offer to my cousin, and she may take the money, but to really make a difference I will need to do a lot more than write a check.
I’d be interested in hearing any of your thoughts about or experiences with giving money to people you know.
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of owning-class people
(Present Time 192, July 2018)