(revised July 2022, from Present Time 208, page 38)
We have a long history in the RC Community of looking at both ends of the “oppression” phenomenon: (1) the ways in which those not in an oppressed group can take on attitudes and draw conclusions about that group that come from the oppression, and (2) the ways that members of the group are vulnerable to internalizing the messages about themselves that come from the oppressive society. In keeping with that history of working on oppression, we have in recent years been working on the distresses that can interfere with our being supportive of and welcoming toward Transgender and Non-Binary people.
We have always supported and welcomed Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual people—and more recently Queer, Non-Binary, Transgender, and other identified people—and worked on eliminating the oppressor patterns people have acquired about these groups. We continue to challenge and work on our distresses connected with the oppression of these populations.
CONTACT AND DISCHARGE ARE KEY
We have learned that if people don’t have meaningful contact with members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ+) constituency, and a lot of discharge, their oppressor patterns sometimes lead them into one of two incomplete perspectives on LGBTQ+ people: (1) unthinking acceptance of everything LGBTQ+ people do or say; or (2) intolerance and criticism of the importance of these identities.
We are committed to both accepting and loving every person just as they are. We are also committed to assisting people to challenge early decisions they’ve made about themselves and the world around them because of the hurts they’ve experienced. We all made these decisions as little ones, influenced by the difficult or confusing conditions at the time. Some of these decisions turned out to be [resulted in being] mistaken. For example, some of us decided early on that everyone was against us, or that men were bad, or that we ourselves were bad. When we slip into unthinking acceptance of these early decisions, we are vulnerable to simply supporting people’s conclusions without considering how some of these may have been influenced by hurtful things that were happening when the decisions were made.
The other reaction, when counseling people, is to thoughtlessly act as if we know what’s best for all people, including dismissing what people have figured out for themselves. Any attitude of dismissiveness toward what people have figured out in the context of their lives runs counter to basic principles we hold dear in RC—for example, that “every single human being, when the entire situation is taken into account, has always, at every moment of the past, done the very best that they could do, and so deserves neither blame nor reproach from anyone, including self” [a quote by Harvey Jackins].
Everyone, we RCers included, can fall into patterns of believing that (1) we know best; (2) that people’s choices are wrong (we say “based in distress,” but it interprets as wrong); or (3) that, as counselors, we can make someone be what we think they should be. There can be a tendency for allies to push LGBTQ+ people to work on their chronic distresses without the allies looking at their own, including the feelings that come up when they face the hurts that LGBTQ+ people have experienced.
OPPRESSION IS THE LIMITATION
From a Co-Counseling standpoint, our perspective is that distress recordings, including the distress recordings that oppressive societies install on people, are the principal limitations on human beings’ ability to fully be themselves. We do not see male or female as descriptions of behaviors, limitations, requirements, or expectations in any way apart from procreation. We assume that, with anything other than reproductive functions, what is humanly possible for anyone is available to everyone else as well. Inherently, all of us have access to the full range of human behaviors. Distress recordings, including those from oppression, and not biology, are what limit our behavior and abilities. Sexism and patterns of male domination and preference for males are what limit females and males, not female and male biology.
That is our RC perspective currently. Having that perspective, we can easily flip into oppressive behavior if, as Co-Counselors, we feel obligated to force that (or any) perspective on people with whom we Co-Counsel.
START WITH RESPECT
All people carry big struggles from past hurtful experiences. We don’t want to relate to anyone based on their struggles. We want to relate to them based on their humanness. As we do this, we are learning about them, working on our own distresses, and increasing our ability to think about them.
When thinking about Transgender and Non-Binary-identified people, the place to start is with respect—the same as when we approach and build a relationship with anyone. All people have always done the very best they could do given all that has happened to them. Everyone deserves respect.
Being respectful includes calling Transgender and Non-Binary-identified people whatever pronoun they choose to be called, treating them well, helping them discharge, and liking and cherishing them. It does not include confronting them about their identity or how they present themselves.
Treating people respectfully is not the same as being liberal or agreeing with distresses. We also get to trust what we see, or think we see. This is complicated. Most of us are still confused about gender, sexuality, and identity, and many of us have been confused about what to do as allies to Trans and Non-Binary people. If people perceive themselves in a particular way, we need to respect that and recognize them in that way. To do otherwise is both disrespectful and oppressive. We can be respectful even if we don’t see them the way they see themselves. We have to base our thinking about them on what we ourselves observe, but we cannot impose our observation or perspective on them, and we need to begin by respecting their perspective. We cannot understand how other people see themselves until we take the time to build a close relationship with them.
CONTRADICT THE OPPRESSION
The first and crucial job of an ally is to stand up against the oppression. When working with a constituency that has been so heavily targeted by oppression, it is critical to contradict the oppression, to listen to people’s stories of oppression. We can give them more opportunity than they most likely have ever had to look at and discharge about a lifetime of being targeted with vicious mistreatment and oppression.
We cannot expect people to “un-defend” themselves upon entering Co-Counseling; they have relied on the defenses for much of their lives to keep an oppressive society at bay. We need to let them know that we are on their side, that we back [support] them fully, and that we want for them what we want for every human: the space to fully reclaim their intelligence and the ability to think about what they want for their lives. We cannot expect people to work on places where they have been heavily attacked and targeted without our sufficiently contradicting the oppression.
CAPITALISM’S INFLUENCE ON BODIES
Historically, the LGBTQ+ identities were relegated to the margins of society. However, particularly since World War II, in many of the wealthier countries, there have been significant victories for LGBTQ+ liberation. There has been increasing space for LGBTQ+ people to be visible and live openly in the mainstream of society. With less pressure to conform to rigid gender roles in order to ensure day-to-day survival, there has been more room for people to explore sex- and gender-based identities.* People in these more affluent societies are no longer so defined by a specific gender-based set of skills. What it means to be a man or a woman or a person has broadened. And what is inherently possible for any person is close to limitless—we are all human.
Still, many of our societies and cultures perpetuate a binary picture of what it means to be a human being. Human behaviors in that model are divided into male and female, rather than human. These rigid pictures of the “possible” are based on oppression and distress. When people feel like they don’t fit the society’s rigid picture of being “male” or “female,” they may reject the label and the assumptions attached to it, especially if they have not felt like they are the gender that matches their biological traits.
At the same time, societal changes and developments in technology have made it possible for people to change their bodies to match their feelings. Capitalism tends to treat almost everything as something that can be bought or sold. You can buy the face you want, the hair color you want, the gender appearance you want, and even the reproductive organs you want—or at least close facsimiles of them.
COUNSELING TRANSGENDER AND NON-BINARY PEOPLE
Co-Counseling brings individuals together to use the process of discharge and re-evaluation to reclaim their intelligence. We want everyone to have the opportunity to discharge fully and reclaim their intelligence. We do not give advice or tell people what to do with their lives. Instead, we set up situations in which people can discharge the early hurts that can impede their ability to think flexibly about their lives.
As we get to know people, we build trust and understanding with them, which can help them discharge where they have been most hurt by other people, and where they may feel the worst about themselves.
When counseling anyone, including Transgender and Non-Binary people, we start with respect and liking. Our earliest goal is simply discharge. We have to listen to them rather than “know” what they should do, or work on. We need to learn about them from their viewpoint. As we get to know them, and we are trusted, we can work with them on the specific issues that current Transgender and Non-Binary RCers have identified as useful—for example, who they felt like they were “really”; or what life has been like, exactly as they saw themselves and experienced things.
As Transgender or Non-Binary people develop as Co-Counselors, and understand chronic distress more deeply, we can ask them, as we do with everyone in RC, to hold everything up to the light of discharge, including their decisions about physical changes (if this is relevant). However, this can only be done if trust is established and it is clear that no oppression is pushing this approach.
BUILDING THE RESOURCE
We are committed to building more resource in this area. We can do this by offering local and Regional opportunities for all Community members to discharge on Transgender identities and oppression. We are encouraging people to create discharge opportunities—in gather-ins, support groups, mini-workshops, and so on. We are also working to build leadership in the Trans/Non-Binary constituencies.
Thinking about this group of people, without acting oppressive or liberal, is complex. Understanding the distresses attached to identities and working with people on them is something that we are still figuring out. The oppressor end of LGBTQ+ oppression can set people up to focus on the distresses of these constituencies, and not the people. Like all people, LGBTQ+ people have distresses, but we are people first, and need to be seen as such, without ignoring the fact that we have been hurt and have distresses.
Co-Counseling skills include being able to tell the difference between people and distress patterns. We need to continue developing these skills, and we need to keep listening and learning, and not assuming that we already know enough to be good counselors for this constituency.
WELCOMING TRANS FOLKS INTO RC
Currently we have found that there are specific conditions that have made a difference for Transgender and Non-Binary people coming into Co-Counseling. These include (1) having a preexisting strong non-RC relationship with a Co-Counseling leader; (2) being in a good RC class; and (3) having several good Co-Counselors and allies.
As we try to do with all constituencies, recruiting people in this constituency into RC needs to be done based on careful thought and discharge, not urgency or other distresses. In addition to evaluating whether or not the interested people can quickly become good Co-Counselors, we need to take care to ensure that we have the attention to think about them.
It has not worked well to simply bring our friends from this constituency into RC Communities where there is little knowledge of their lives and experiences. We are encouraging the Communities to develop their understanding of the history of Transgender and Non-Binary people, and their oppression and distresses, and to develop respect for LGBTQ+ folks as we bring Transgender and Non-Binary folks into RC. In practice, what this will likely mean is lots of people making a lot more friends with Transgender and Non-Binary people before bringing them into RC, and building the ability to think about them through establishing and deepening those friendships.
SUMMARY
The key issue here is that we need to learn to think well in this complicated situation. We have to be respectful, maintain our own perspective, be willing to learn and adjust our point of view based on what we learn, and help all of us discharge our early distresses—but not from a know-it-all or self-righteous position. The oppression has subjected Trans-identified people to myriad challenges to and interventions about their identities, some well intentioned and some not. In RC we have to aim for something much better than this—for an end to oppression of all kinds, for all of us getting our minds fully back from distress, and for the ability to think and care about people for who they are and what they have figured out in the context of their lives, without giving up on their ability to discharge every hurt they have experienced, including the hurts in the areas of gender, sexuality, and related identities.
* Sex- and gender-based identities have been changing a lot in recent years in at least some parts of the world. Many of us have a lot to learn about these changes. In this article, we use the word “sex” to refer to biology, and “gender” to refer to socially constructed identities that impose standards that different cultures have about the way people should behave. Male and female have been the dominant gender identities, but there are also other ones. Identities can serve as an important but temporary bulwark against oppression. Identities—even new ones—can also be used to separate and isolate people. All identities—racial, ethnic, gender, class, national, and so on—are at least partially based in distress. There is much that is useful about the process of challenging the identities that currently exist.