Talking to Children about Tragic Events
Many children (and two adults) were recently killed in a shooting at an elementary school in the United States. The following are some thoughts about talking to children when hard things happen. They are based on writings by Patty Wipfler, former International Liberation Reference Person for Parents.
1. There is no reason why younger young people should be exposed to what is called news in our oppressive societies. It scares young people (and adults as well) and gives them a distorted and distressed picture of the world. Keep your child away from the TV, radio, Internet, and newspaper materials that might expose them to frightening things.
2. Have Co-Counseling sessions yourself on bad news. We are all affected. It is good to be close to other adults and discharge on hard things. If you feel pulled to watch TV and get all the details of a horrible event, that’s a sign that you need a session. Have a mini-session even if you don’t feel like you need it. Cry or laugh or shake. Call other parents and connect with them.
3. You can talk to your school-age child about a tragic event before they encounter it in the broader culture. You can talk about it briefly, without graphic details and with caring and connection. You can be close to your child while communicating that you are sad about what has happened. You don’t have to be an “objective” distant reporter.
4. You can teach basic RC theory to a young person of any age. You can do it every day, in addition to talking about it when something tragic happens. As a child gets older and asks more questions, you can give them a more detailed picture of reality.
You can share our picture in RC of the world as benign. Even though hard things happen, many more acts of love, caring, and courage are happening all over the world all the time. You can explain about human goodness and patterns of distress, how people heal from distresses, how distress recordings operate when people haven’t had the opportunity to heal, and liberation and oppression. You can explain how when someone does something hurtful, it is because they were hurt and got left alone with it.
5. You can reassure your child that many adults are trying to figure things out so that no person, group of people, or country gets hurt. You can tell them that each person and every culture is precious and lovely; that our societies are evolving over time; and that we can take charge with our intelligence and guide the process.
Your child will use what you say, and their own experience, to build their own picture of reality. You get to support them in that process.
6. Communities and relationships are reassuring to everyone. Build community around yourself and your family. Make lots of friends with people who have cultural, racial, and class backgrounds different from your family’s. Also make friends with people of the same background(s).
7. Contradict the powerlessness. Get your child’s thinking about what your family could do to make things better. Do those things as a family. Write a letter, go to a vigil, volunteer, attend a protest, or sign a petition with your child. This will give them a hopeful perspective and contradict feelings of discouragement and helplessness.
Be a role model by standing up against racism, classism, anti-Semitism, sexism, the oppression of young people, homophobia, disability oppression, damage to the environment, and other oppression and injustice.
8. When your child notices other people’s feelings about a tragic event, do more special time with them. They need to feel your caring and closeness in order to discharge. Active wild play with lots of contact will help them laugh. Laughter lays the foundation for heavier feelings to come up and discharge.
Don’t be surprised if your child has big sessions (most likely not during special time) about little things that are a pretext for working on the tragic event. Don’t bring up anything about the tragic event when they’re having the session about the little thing. Rather, listen to what they are saying and follow their mind.
9. Remember—you are a good parent. Appreciate yourself for the important work you do. You are not required to do it perfectly.
Somerville, Massachusetts, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 208, July 2022)