Discharging Shame
A recent experience has forced me to look at ways that I suppress myself and do not allow certain old feelings to surface. One way is by masturbating. (I can't believe I'm telling you about this, but I am, because I want to look at it intelligently.)
I started masturbating very early, right after being raped at age five (by a man who was taking care of me while my parents went drinking). It is an urge that starts with a panic whenever I am alone and is followed by absolute disgust, self-hatred, and deep sorrow. It is as if I am raping myself. The recording says, "I am all alone - no one to help me, no one to stop the rape."
A few months ago (after many sessions), I decided I would not give in to this strong urge and instead see what the feelings were. I succeeded once this week. The feeling is a deep sadness. I allowed myself to cry while working on a scenic jigsaw puzzle I bought to distract myself when I am alone. This is all it is - just sadness, so far.
But from that one powerful step, a step that is just for me, not for anyone else, I feel better about myself - just like when I quit drinking. I wish to continue in this direction, allowing myself to feel what I have been suppressing.
It's amazing what shaming can do to people. This is what the man who raped me did afterwards, whenever I saw him. He would tell me and whoever was with me, my mother usually, that I was his girlfriend. I never told my parents what happened. I wonder if they knew.
This is why I have felt terrified of men - especially if they were nice to me, if they liked me. I have felt disgusted with them and with myself for liking their attention. (The "understatement" is excellent for this. I have been using it a lot lately.)
X -
USA