Changing an Automatic Response
I noticed several years ago that my automatic response to witnessing oppression or violence was to ”freeze.” I seemed unable to think or act in those moments. It had been a survival tactic in my childhood; under certain circumstances it had been safer to “disappear.” I would walk quickly past violence or oppression while pretending I did not exist.
I started discharging about this in my Co-Counseling sessions. I remembered early incidences of “freezing” and imagined myself having a different response and outcome—for example, screaming for help and an adult coming to save me. I imagined teaming up with others. I laughed about all the funny things I could do instead of “freezing.” I imagined the perpetrator acting powerless and goofy.
Then I had a chance to test the results of my work. I was on a public bus, and a man threatened to punch the female bus driver. The entire busload of people “froze.” I stood up. It was my automatic reaction. I didn’t think about it. The man saw me standing and chose to exit the bus without harming the driver. I sat down and shook hard and said to myself repeatedly, “I stood up! I stood up!”
After more time working on this, I stepped between a man and the woman he was threatening to hit. I put my hands on the man’s shoulders and stepped toward him, into his body, smiling and saying, “Step back.” He continued shouting over my shoulder and swinging his arms, but I felt calm and loving. I knew him, so that gave me more ability to get close like that. Again, I did not hesitate. Stepping in to touch him was my immediate response.
I made a commitment against distress that I still work on in sessions: “I am big enough to handle any discomfort. When I encounter violence, oppression, or other distressed behavior, I will remain present—able to think, act, talk, and feel, as needed.”
I learned that with commitment and discharge I could change an automatic response to a difficult situation.
Eugene, Oregon, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for white allies ending racism
(Present Time 208, July 2022)