Saying “No”
I often find it hard to clearly say “no.” I might decide to say “no” to something, and do that, but then I quickly find that I am saying “yes” to a new set of things. This is deeply rooted in how I was brought up [raised].
I was raised by an owning-class Protestant mother who would not let me say “no” or that I couldn’t do something. She would say, “Can’t is not a word.” I was the oldest of four children and twenty-seven cousins. It was made clear to me that I had to behave so that they would behave, too. I had to model cooperation. My mother modeled cooperation with many things that she did not want to do. When appearing in public, it was important to be correct in appearance—to greet everyone politely, serve everyone politely, not speak up, and more. I could not find my thinking under the above conditions.
I found ways to leave quietly without being noticed. Or I would keep my mouth closed, grit my teeth, and just do what I had been asked.
When an RC leader is rigid about what I must model, such as getting all members of my class to a workshop, it can become something that I simply ignore, or I automatically do it without thinking about whether I want to go or have time to assist others to go.
Obligation together with the inability to say no can be a trap that is hard to get out of.
USA
Reprinted from the e-mail discussion list for RC Community members
(Present Time 207, April 2022)