Fathers of Teenage Daughters
I lead a monthly non-RC fathers’ group of ten men. Two thirds of our group are People of the Global Majority, and most were raised poor/working class and are currently middle class.
We do “listening circles” and talk about major issues confronting fathers. At some point each evening, I give a little talk about young people’s liberation and what we know in RC about men, their goodness, domination patterns, and so on.
Next month, at the group’s request, we are addressing the topic of “being a father to a teenage daughter.” I am a father to two sons. I only know about daughters from watching and counseling others. I’m thinking of asking each dad with a teenage daughter to talk about what’s been going well and what’s been challenging in their relationship and in their thinking about their daughters.
To other parents: what thoughts do you have about this topic? If you are a father of a teenage daughter, how have you tackled the sexism and male domination embedded in the relationship? How do you stay close to your daughter? What makes sense in terms of talking about sex, menstrual periods, and other things that males and females don’t normally discuss? How, as a dad, can you challenge but not dominate?
I would appreciate any perspective folks have to offer!
I have two daughters, ages seventeen and twelve, and I’ve spent a lot of time and energy thinking and discharging about my relationship with them. The following is some of what I do and have learned:
Tackling sexism and male domination
I have Co-Counseling sessions about my domination patterns.
I talk openly and honestly about my oppressive patterns and try not to get defensive when they are pointed out to me (or when I do get defensive, I get a session).
I apologize when I mess up [make mistakes] and try to learn from it.
Staying close
Not everyone has time to do this, but I am often with my daughters. I can work less than some folks and spend more time with my daughters. That adds to our closeness.
I spend a lot of time with them doing the things they either have to do or enjoy doing. For example, I help with homework, I’m on the school dance committee, I’m available to drive folks around, I do practice-driving with my older daughter, and I watch video games together with them. I let them complain to me about their days, scream and yell, and “blow up” [get openly angry] about homework.
Talking about things males and females don’t normally discuss with each other
I discharge feelings of embarrassment and discomfort and on secrecy, shame, and anything else that has made menstruation, and so on, seem like something we men shouldn’t know about. The goal is to make these topics just a normal part of everyday life.
Sex and relationships
I try to be open. I try to not judge or preach. I let my daughters know that I’m always going to be on their side. I try to be thoughtful and listen and not push my own agenda.
I’m delighted when they like someone. I take their relationships seriously. I don’t push for details, but if they want to tell me, I’m happy to hear about it. It seems to me that most adults don’t take young people’s feelings about such things (or much else) seriously.
I may not be the person they talk to about sex and relationships. That they can talk to me is the goal. I’m happy they have trusted friends, siblings, and other adults they can talk to. I try to support them in all their relationships.
Challenging but not dominating
I don’t see my role as posing challenges but rather supporting whatever my daughters are trying to achieve. Sometimes I’m not the best person to support them, so I try to be clear about that.
I try to show that my love, respect, and acceptance are never going to be tied to any external factor, behavior, or decision. It’s not that I won’t have feelings about something, but my daughters know I am with them no matter what.
I haven’t had any agenda for what they should accomplish or what challenges they should take on [undertake]. It is their decision. If they ask for my thinking, I’m happy to give it, but otherwise it is “What do you think?” and listening. (Challenging them does not come easily for me, so I’ve been discharging on the possibility that it would sometimes be helpful for them.)
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 204, July 2021)