Keep Reaching for Adult Children
We parents love our children. We love them through thick and thin [under all conditions]. We continue to love them when they are adults.
Perhaps our relationships just keep improving! Perhaps we are totally pleased with the adults our children have blossomed into being. Perhaps they are totally pleased with us and the parents we have blossomed into being.
Perhaps there are a few of bumps [difficulties]. Our children reach adulthood after a lot of water has gone under the bridge [after much has happened], after many good times and many trying [challenging] times, all of which were handled as best we could.
It seems safe to assume we have come through for [responded well to] our daughters and sons many times, and that we have let them down [responded ineffectively to them] many times. We went as far as our awareness led us. We provided the best perspective we had, the fruit of our best efforts at living. And our attention keeps getting clearer and sharper.
For some of us, our children reaching adulthood may be a time when we get to sit back, when the worries fade away, and when we get to be pleased with life, with ourselves, and with our daughters and sons and their lives. This could be a good direction for all of us.
Our relationships with our sons and daughters go through different stages. There probably were and are stages when we are closer and stages when we have a harder time and may even not be in communication. What is for sure [certain] is that our attention is a gift. What is for sure is that when we prioritize the relationship with our adult daughter or son, it is a gift. What is for sure is that fighting for a relationship is a gift. Perhaps even fighting within a relationship is a gift. All of parenting, at all stages, adds up to some of the most important work we can do.
Parents who have done RC family work have gained invaluable skills. Parents who are new to RC or have not done family work may need to develop some skills. But all of us can enhance our adult child’s life, no matter what that may look like.
Our relationship will probably take different forms as our adult child goes through different states, but the essence is that they are as dear to us as they were on the day they were born, and that we will always be important to each other.
Issues will come up, as they always do. Dealing with racism, sexism, the many other oppressions, capitalism, addictions, relationships, and living in a society not built to support everyone may have pushed our adult child and ourselves to make choices that we may not be pleased with or “approve” of. Some issues may seem to divide us and come up more harshly than in our offspring’s younger years.
It can be harder and more complicated to communicate well, to be involved in our adult children’s lives, to have the hard conversations than it was when our children were young. The difficulty can be compounded by any physical distance between where they and we live. Not having informal meetings and physical contact like when we lived together can complicate keeping the relationship alive and warm. Living together when our children are adults can also be a challenge.
Deciding to maintain and upgrade our relationships is choosing life. It takes decision, commitment, and work. Co-Counseling is hugely helpful, even though at times it may be disappointing or questioned. Appreciation was and is always our first and main tool—appreciation for ourselves and for them.
Making time for a relationship with adult children is not something our societies uphold as important. But we can do it! We can have the closeness we crave, the understanding, and the fun. We can and will.
Three “keepers”: Keep reaching for them. Keep enjoying them. Keep the door open to them.
My best to you and your unique and beautiful families,
Neveh Ilan, Israel
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 204, July 2021)