Special Time
The following is a talk I gave (on Zoom) at the Family Workers’ Conference for Europe, Africa, and Israel, in February 2021. I gave it before we did special time on Zoom. My talk was for everyone, and I first addressed the young people.
“Special time” is a time when you get to use your parent’s, grandparent’s, or friend’s attention while you do what you want to do. The parent, friend, or grandparent will try to let you feel their attention on you. This isn’t a time when they make suggestions and tell you what they would like you to do.
Some people use their special time to try things they never get enough chance to try. My youngest grandson struggles to play the games his older brother plays. So in his special time, he takes the opportunity to play the games his way.
Sometimes people use special time to try something that is hard for them to do. When I have special time for myself, I play music. This is because when I try to play music at other times, it sounds bad to me and I’m embarrassed. But in my special time when I try to do it, I laugh a lot. Then it starts to sound better, and I learn new things more quickly.
We don’t want anyone to give up trying. And we want you to have your full intelligence. This means trying new things. One of my young friends told me, “You know what the problem with you adults is? You stop trying new things, and you only do things you are good at. The older you get, the fewer things you are good at, and that is boring.”
So during special time, you can experiment with doing things while someone is paying attention to you. Today you will have thirty minutes. We will also add something to the usual special time—there will be support for your parent, grandparent, or friend while they pay attention. The supporters will be present on Zoom. Their job is to support your parent or grandparent or friend to have their best attention for you. Other people, not on camera, will be thinking about you and sending love. As usual with special time, it is a time when you don’t have to share your parent’s or grandparent’s or friend’s attention with anyone else.
The only things you can’t do during special time are hurt the environment (such as destroy household items) or hurt yourself or someone else. That does not mean that you can’t wrestle with your parent or grandparent or friend if you’d like to. We want you to have a great time while also making sure that people can continue to have good attention for you and not get hurt.
One of my young friends has seen a lot of violence in his life. During special time, he often wants to show me how strong he is. He will choose the largest, most dangerous weapon he can find. And I have to say, “We can’t use that weapon. Instead you can use this pillow—so that you can do special time, and your parent or grandparent or friend can keep their attention on you and not be worried about themselves.”
I’m speaking now to parents, grandparents, or friends:
You get to push yourself. Some things your young person will want to try will seem uncomfortable for you. If they want you to climb a tree and you haven’t ever done that, or haven’t done that for a long time, try it anyway! You don’t have to succeed. You are following the young person’s mind. You are remembering how important each person is and the importance of being connected to each other.
Sometimes when I give special time, the person getting it can’t think of what they want to do. I might start making suggestions—often things that I would like to do with them. However, instead of doing this, it is best to wait a little while. Let the person have time to think of how they would like to use your attention.
I think of special time as a renewing of close relationships. Isn’t it wonderful to get to see what someone else is thinking and wants to do? People often find it easier to think about what they should do, or what someone else wants them to do, but this is a very different thing. People can use it to get their ability to want back and to get their minds back.
In this time of isolation and COVID, special time plays a special role. If we are just with a few people, we often get on each other’s nerves [become irritated with each other]. Restimulations come up. I know a mother who has been “fighting” with her fifteen-year-old child about attending school online. This makes him forget that she cares about him. But if she can do five minutes of special time with him, two or three times in the day, he can remember that he is cared about—and doing school online is easier.
Sometimes your children have big feelings that are not appropriate for them to tell everyone about. The adults in their lives may not understand when they use hateful or oppressive words, such as “I hate my grandmother” or “Mum, why don’t you get rid of [eliminate] my brother?” Or your child starts swearing. Young people have these kinds of feelings and need to show and discharge them. At the same time, they need to have judgment about where they can show them, so it isn’t hard on [hurtful to] others or doesn’t cause others to be hard on them. In RC we understand that feelings are to be felt and discharged; they are not a guide to how we should act.
I know a parent whose daughter swears all the time and talks about wanting to kill people. Her grandparents are very religious. So her mum said, “We are going to have special time every day, and this will be when you can say all of those things. But you can’t say them at other times, because people will get confused, and they will be mean to you and mean to me.” So they did special time. The child swore and said the most awful things she could think of. After doing this and discharging, she was able to be cooperative and have better judgment. Afterward she told her mother, “I want special time every day.” She could tell [notice] that her mum was thinking about her and not just silencing her. Isn’t that what happened to all of us—we were silenced when we tried to express big negative feelings?
I encourage you to do more special time during this time of COVID and tell us about the results.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
(Present Time 204, July 2021)