No Longer Afraid of Facing These Feelings
I have been married and divorced twice and have had a series of relationships, from age fifteen to fifty, in which one would end and the next would begin.
Eight years ago I realized that I needed to not be in a relationship and to work on the early trauma and abuses that had set me up for believing that I was nothing if I was not in one. I counsel regularly on a whole host of feelings about not being in a relationship, such as, “What am I if I am not trying to live up to someone else’s expectation?” I am determined to reclaim feelings of joy for myself, from myself.
I have just begun to skim the surface of the pain and suffering I endured as a little girl and am noticing the distress recordings: I almost never eat without thinking of how it will affect my appearance. I am almost never “not looking” for a relationship. I think about how the active lifestyle I lead is “attractive” rather than choosing it because it brings me pleasure. I struggle with not knowing what to do with my life if I am not trying to gain someone’s approval, love, or acceptance.
The good part is that I am no longer afraid of facing these feelings.
North Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion listfor leaders of women
(Present Time 190, January 2018)