“I Do Not Need to Wait for Him”
I am fifty-four years old, white, straight, and a mother and wife. I was raised working class and middle class and am now living an upper-middle-class lifestyle. I work in my home and also in my husband’s business (for pay). My husband is sixteen years older than I am.
My husband is wealthy, and I am not. He gives me some money and has legally promised to leave me quite a lot if we are still married when he dies. However, when he feels his control of a situation is threatened, he turns to the court system to regain control.
His outlook on life leaves him isolated. He largely refuses to participate in or take responsibility for connections with others and regularly demeans the effort it takes to make relationships. I have complained, expressed anger, and demanded from him more time, attention, affection, and listening. He now pays a therapist to listen to me. Somehow his failures to relate are now my “mental health” problems.
Slowly I am rebuilding affection with my husband. I am working for the connection, love, and rootedness I want. This is hard to do in the face of what looks like rejection. However, I have found that I do not need to wait for him to improve our relationship; I can take the initiative. That’s hopeful.
I am working on a career change. Instead of working for my husband in his business, I hope to write and organize as an activist. And when I can face it, I discharge the grating heavy despair from early defeats that has so far prevented me from realizing my full potential.
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of women
(Present Time 190, January 2018)