“Love Awaits Me at Every Turn”

I had just returned home from a w

eekend that included nine sessions with three people—and good food, good attention-outs and exercise, and lots of closeness. The next morning I awakened after a good seven-hour sleep, knowing what I was looking forward to doing upon arising. However, I noticed that I was reluctant to get out of bed. Then I noticed that it wasn’t because I was particularly attracted to staying in bed or because I needed more sleep. I felt as if I were cowering from something, avoiding something unpleasant, and maybe protecting myself. But from what in the present? Nothing. This feeling is an old recording1 that has intermittently plagued me as far back as I can remember, though less and less over the three-plus decades that I have been discharging and reclaiming my victorious life story. I think it is the result of the early times when I was abandoned for months to a bleak life, stuck without interaction in a baby bed. Still, I was surprised that morning. I was sorry to see it happening again. Though I realized it was old, I had not yet to my satisfaction unraveled what had periodically robbed me of the precious morning time that I love. And it was so in contrast to the way I had been awakening during the supportive weekend of counseling.I called a friend for help. I heard my words as I spoke on the phone: “I’ve got to get myself out of bed!” It dawned on me2 that my words and tone were much like my mom’s when she used to wake me up when she had little free attention. “Get out of that bed!” she would yell. It was harsh, and I am sure I did not look forward to arising to harshness. (She was a dear person, with internalized raised-poor Irish Catholic oppression that included much family and neighborhood violence.) I was so glad to make this connection. My insight made everything manageable. “Well! I can easily contradict this,” I said. “I will choose a different perspective—one that is appropriate to my present reality.” Then out it came: “Love awaits me at every turn!” I discharged hard with just that. Then out came the addition, “every minute of my day,” with more discharge. And then, “all day long,” with more discharge flowing. Lastly I added, “and through the night!” followed by more discharge. I had three opportunities during the day to use this.I know this is how much of our counseling goes, but I am particularly pleased with my re-evaluation: “Love awaits me at every turn, every minute of my day, all day long!”I thank my smart and loving counselors.

Jane Gramlich

St. Louis, Missouri, USA

(Present Time 171, April 2013)


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Last modified: 2017-05-31 15:31:04-07