Doing Family Work on Zoom
Excerpts from a talk by Chuck Esser, the International Commonality Reference Person for Family Work, at a European Family Workers’ Workshop
In Philadelphia (Pennsylvania, USA) we have been conducting the following groups on Zoom:
FOR BABIES BORN DURING COVID
We have a class for babies born during COVID. Each parent has somebody with them in person, and the baby can be with that person while the parent has a session online or over the phone with another parent. The allies have an online session at the same time. Then the parents do special time with their babies, supported by at least one ally on Zoom.
During the special time, the infant is often more interested in the support person on Zoom than in anything else. So at the beginning, they get to see the support person, but after a few minutes that person turns off their video and offers verbal encouragement to the parent who is doing the special time.
We all gather at the end for open questions. Open questions seem to be important for new parents. They are exhausted and at the same time are trying to do something completely different from what their parents did.
FOR AGES THREE TO SIX
The three-to-six-year-old group may be the hardest on Zoom. We meet once a month for just an hour, because the young people struggle to be on the screen for more time than that. They do use the attention.
We all play together at first, often with the computers. One of the young people loves making himself look different on the computer. Then each young person is invited to say something that is going well and what is “yukky” (awful). Then the parent (who is physically present with the young person) does special time with them for about twenty minutes, with an ally supporting on Zoom.
When we come back, we all play together again. Sometimes each young person shows us a physical activity, or they might all ride the adults like horses. We often have some pillow fighting or wrestling. Sometimes the allies offer verbal encouragement to each young person, so that everyone is getting a little extra attention.
We close with everybody saying one thing they enjoyed about the group. The young people typically look forward to the next meeting.
This is a limited format without regular session time for parents or allies. Sometimes we can have a short parent or ally mini-session. We try to set up regular sessions outside of the hour together.
FOR AGES EIGHT TO TEN
The eight-to-ten-year-old group meets for two hours once a month. There are also occasional family playdays between the monthly meetings. The members of this group have known each other since they were born.
They are very interested in being with each other (unlike the younger group, who want to have all the attention on themselves). They want to play games, for example, drawing things together or showing each other tricks and music. They like the sense of power over the adults that being on Zoom makes possible—for example, they can change our names, put us in the waiting rooms, and so on. They love the wrestling time.
At some point we do a breakout mini-session on a topic that we know has some tension for most young people. Examples include, “What is school like? What is it like not to be able to be with your friends? What is it like to stay close friends with someone of a different gender than you are? What are your parents’ biggest problems? What is it like with your brothers and sisters? When is a time you felt like a hero? What are you proud of?” These are short mini-sessions, usually with two young people and an ally of their choice. Sometimes they choose someone else’s parent as their ally.
FOR AGES TEN TO ELEVEN
We weren’t sure how to move forward with the ten-to-eleven-year-old group. Then we realized that three of the four parents were in an ongoing RC class with an experienced family worker as a teacher. The teacher wanted to experiment with teaching family work, so we folded the family class into her class and invited the fourth family to join.
The regular class gets together for the first half hour for a mini-session. Then the families join for an hour. We all share what’s going well—and what’s terrible. Then we do special time. Each parent-young person pair has an ally. When we get back together, we share what happened in special time and what was fun about it. Then we have short three-way sessions in the same groups (two to four minutes each). Then we close the family class portion with everybody sharing a highlight. The final hour is for discharge and open questions about family work.
This has been a wonderful way for non-parent class members to do family work. They get to know their parent Co-Counselors in a deeper way, and real relationships get built between young people and allies.
FOR YOUNG TEENS
The young teens (thirteen-, fourteen-, and fifteen-year-olds) meet twice a month. We spend a lot of time in the beginning with “roses and thorns.” “What are the roses in your life right now? What are the thorns? What is good? What is mediocre? What is awful?” Both young people and adults share. Some of the young people need to talk at length about what is awful in their lives. This sharing time is often mentioned as a highlight.
Then the young people and parents do special time, sometimes with an ally and sometimes not. If allies are not in the special time, they have a session with each other.
After the special time, the allies and young people play with each other while the parents do sessions. Each family comes up with [thinks of] a game to play for a particular meeting, and they are interesting ones. The young teens know more about computers than the adults. They sometimes show everyone on screen something about their lives—how they have decorated a room, their artwork, their collections, their music.
When the parents come back, we include them in the play. Then we do a three-way mini-session, usually with a young person, a parent, and an ally. We end with highlights.
The adults often need a lot of time to discharge on how hard it is for them to keep up with the computer skills the young people present to us.
Sometimes the young people are bored with being on screens and don’t want to come to the group, but they usually love it once they are there. Often the parents must do a lot of work between group meetings to persuade the young people to come again. The young people now have solid Co-Counseling relationships with each other.
FOR AGES SIXTEEN TO TWENTY-FIVE
The sixteen-to-twenty-five-year-old group meets once a month in a combination young people’s class and support group. All the older participants have Co-Counseling sessions outside the group, and most of them are also in a fundamentals or ongoing class.
A young adult whom I support leads the group. Sometimes the participants read something by Harvey Jackins before each class; then we talk about its relevance to their situation. In the last few meetings, we’ve been working on a re-emergence strategy.
FAMILY WORKSHOPS
We have held several successful weekend family workshops on Zoom. Each has been unique; we are still learning how to do them.
We held a family workshop for Taiwan for the first time. People were able to meet in person while I led the workshop via Zoom (it was like giving lectures, and I couldn’t see what was happening). The leadership team did well, and the workshop was successful.
We have held two teen family workshops on Zoom for the English RC Community. They included young people’s classes and “challenge time” with allies. It has been hard for this age group to want to be on Zoom, because they are on it so much for school and other events. However, the workshops have been great for the allies—to work on their teen years and to deepen their Co-Counseling relationships with the teens.
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of family work
(Present Time 206, January 2022)