“Internalized Sexism Could Have Killed Me”
I was raised with a tremendous amount of shame about my female body. It was the result of sexual molestation, classism, fat oppression, racism, anti-Jewish oppression, and sexism from every corner of my life as a girl. It came at me as internalized oppression from women and as sexism and male domination from men.
It is difficult for me to let anyone, including doctors, near my body. I am especially ashamed of any body parts that are usually covered by clothing. My employer provides good health insurance, but I do not get regular mammograms, pap smears, and so on, because the humiliation is too great.
When I turned fifty, the doctor said I needed a colonoscopy. I ignored her for a few years but then started having physical problems. In 2018, I overcame my humiliation enough to do a stool test. The test showed blood, and I was told to get a colonoscopy immediately.
I didn’t do it. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I am a single woman and did not know who would care for me if I was sick. I’m responsible for caretaking family members, and I did not see how I could possibly take time away from them. Also, I’d heard that colonoscopies were unbearable, and I did not think I could do one without drugs, which I did not want to take.
After three female friends my age had been diagnosed with cancer and two had died, I decided it was time to get a colonoscopy. I asked for a female doctor and tried to be honest with her about the problems I was having with my body so she could help me. I won over the male anesthesiologist as an ally, and I got through the procedure awake and alert, holding his hand the whole time.
As I had feared, the doctor found, and cut out, a very large pre-cancerous polyp, and I will be monitored for cancer the rest of my life. If I had gotten screened a decade ago when I was supposed to, or two years ago when the doctor told me I was in trouble, this would not have happened. Fortunately, because I took charge of my health, the polyp came out before it had grown into cancer.
Internalized sexism could have killed me. I have a lot more work to do, but I know I will not let the oppression dominate my mind to the same degree again. I am grateful for the community of women in RC who fight for themselves and each other and inspire me to value my own life. Thank you, Diane [Diane Balser, International Liberation Reference Person for Women], for the years you have spent helping us to build this sisterhood and the ways you keep us going strong together.
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of women
(Present Time 206, January 2022)