My Body Is for Me and Me Alone What I’ve Figured Out about My Decision to Be a Large Woman
I have always known that being a large woman was a decision. I made it—awarely or unawarely—at some point in my life.
Several years ago, I realized that this decision to be a large woman was a stand against sexism—against conforming to the standard of beauty expected by the oppressive society. That was a useful perspective for me and took me a long way [helped me make a lot of progress]. It helped me realize that the oppression of large women is real, that I am not to blame for being large, and that deciding to be large was claiming some part of my body for myself.
More recently I have come to a slightly different, and I think more powerful, perspective. I still know that I am not to blame for being large and that choosing to be large was a valiant attempt to claim some part of my body for me. However, I no longer think of it as a stand against sexism. Instead, I think that for me it was succumbing to sexism.
The decision to be large was a reaction. It was not chosen freely. It is no different than another woman’s decision to conform to the standard of beauty expected by the oppressive society. My decision was oppositional instead of conforming, but it was still a reaction to sexism. It was never a decision for me.
Therefore, I have resolved to give up the idea that deciding to be large was a stand against sexism. That has served as a justification for me to stay large. It has also kept me from fully facing the harshness of the sexism that led to my decision to be large. Holding on to it excuses a rigid decision that was not my own but rather a reaction to sexism.
In my Co-Counseling sessions, I have been choosing to notice that my body is for me and me alone, and then exploring the implications. Self-righteousness about my decision becomes available for discharge. I get to express my humanness in all ways, no matter what my body looks like or is challenged by. There is nothing wrong with my body, nothing that needs to be fixed or changed.
In the context of sexism, my body can only be for someone else. So I am attempting to forge a different path—one that isn’t framed by what sexism dictates. It has nothing to do with changing my body in any way, or numbing out my body, or seeing my body as something that must be managed. It is about accepting my body as it is—for its innate beauty and utility and ability to express my humanness in a myriad of ways without changing a thing about it.
My body is for me and me alone, and everything that implies.
Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of women
(Present Time 206, January 2022)