About Me as a Grandmother
I’m a grandmother to two boys, ages two and almost four. Being a grandmother is an opportunity to love fully these young humans and to bring everything I know to support them and their parents. When I first became a grandmother, I heard from others that we get all the benefits without the responsibility of constant caregiving. It’s true!
Being in RC has helped me as a grandmother in many ways. I have taken to Co-Counseling sessions my feelings about wanting more connection with my grandchildren than what has seemed to make sense for their parents. I have worked on not giving advice unless I’m asked, on backing [supporting] the parents fully, and on following their lead in everything, even when I might not agree with their choices. It can feel more interesting to put my attention on the children and prioritize my relationships with them. However, their parents are facing parents’ oppression and not getting enough support and validation for all the work that they do. So prioritizing my relationships with them has been important.
I’m proud of what I’ve done to nurture my relationships with my son and daughter-in-law. It has taken a lot of work to understand what will work best for them, to decide that what they want comes first, and to keep my own feelings out of the situation. Having sessions with other grandmothers has been useful!
Parents’ oppression and my own internalized sexism can intersect. When I’m visiting the family, I can feel pulled to do more of the work of cooking, caretaking, and so on. Seeing the parents’ oppression, I want to jump in and help as much as I can, and it’s hard to think about what makes sense for me.
Another challenge is that I don’t live in the same city as my grandchildren. Seeing them requires flying there or driving for several days. It feels hard that I cannot be a more regular presence in their lives and help their parents more.
I was fortunate to have learned RC before I became a parent. What I learned helped me to support my son, to listen to him discharge, and to understand both young people’s and parents’ oppression. I also had other parents I could discharge with about the joys and challenges of parenting. Now there is nothing more rewarding than watching my son as a father. He has great attention for his sons, can play well with them, and allows them to discharge (although sometimes only for short periods of time). Of course he has struggles as a parent, but I can see that he has internalized a lot of basic RC ideas.
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Reprinted from the e-mail discussion list for RC Community members
(Present Time 206, January 2022)