“What Works Is Connection and Discharge”
From a talk at the European Family Workers’ Conference
Our societies punish people when they show their big distresses. How many of us were hit as children? Yelled at? Shunned? How many were isolated? How many were told “go to your room”? How many were publicly humiliated? It seems that many of us were treated this way. Yet punishment does not help people. It breaks connection—and connection is what allows people to discharge the hurts that cause distressed behavior.
What works is connection and discharge. We have learned that if we stop someone from doing something that hurts themselves, others, or the environment, and stay close to them, often they will discharge and think better as a result.
Those of us who have children with big fears know that sometimes we must hold them and say “no” to keep them from hurting themselves or somebody else. When we move in, with attention and caring, but do not allow the hurtful action, things can change.
We can also set positive limits: “Yes, you are going to do that because I know you really can or want to.” I remember a family worker whose daughter was learning to play the piano. When it came time to practice, the daughter wanted to quit. Her mom had a lot of feelings about it. Before trying to counsel her daughter, she had many Co-Counseling sessions on not wanting to dominate her.
Finally, after a lot of discharge, she could say to her daughter, “We are going to practice the piano now.” She could say it firmly and with kindness. She also didn’t leave her daughter alone to practice. She stayed with her. Her daughter had a huge session. Of course, it wasn’t just about practicing the piano.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of family work
(Present Time 206, January 2022)