Talking to Young People about the Death of a Loved One
Five years ago, we helped our sons navigate my wife having breast cancer at the same time that my mother was dying. My wife had surgery eight days after my mom’s funeral, so we were deep in the challenge of death, healing, and health. Our sons were six and eight years old at the time. The following is some of what I learned:
We adults need to discharge a lot about illness, death, and dying. I approached our situation with a heaviness and seriousness that was about me and not about our sons. I had to discharge daily to have any attention at all.
Play, play, play, play, play! Our sons didn’t talk much or discharge about what was going on [happening]. On the other hand, they were more than happy to do all of the wrestling, laughter, and beating up of us that we could manage. Playing and finding time to enjoy life and find joy—being in the outdoors, going on adventures, having fun—helped a lot with everyone’s attention.
Coincidentally, an author came to our younger son’s school when all this was happening and read a wonderful children’s book on death and loss: Ida, Always, by Caron Levis and Charles Santoso. It was about the death of a beloved polar bear. Our son came home and told me about it and said that we needed to read it to Grandma. So we bought it and read it to her. It was one of my last moments with her when she was fully present and aware. And it was a profound way for me, our sons, and my mom to say goodbye. I still remember and can cry about my mother looking at me as I read the book, and as she understood that our sons knew what was going on. Our six-year-old told her, “Grandma, this is what’s happening to you.”
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 205, October 2021)