Thoughtful Communication and Relaxed Closeness
We do not need to deny the reality of death. And we do not need to try to “explain the unexplainable.” Simple, straightforward sharing of what is happening, combined with relaxed closeness, can support our children to engage with the realities that life can bring.
My father died when my daughter, M—, was two years old. We had often visited him and my mother. They had connected with M— from early on.
We talked about “Pa” being sick when the topic came up. We used simple words and only said as much as M— was interested in.
My dad had successfully kept the cancer at bay [kept it from causing his death] for over eleven years (a remarkable story in itself).
We returned home after spending several days visiting my parents. The next afternoon, my mom called to say that my father had died. It had happened as he had hoped—not from the cancer but from a heart attack.
I explained to M— that “Pa” had died and that this meant that his body, which she knew had been sick, had stopped being alive and that we would not see him anymore. We returned to their home the following day. I told M— we were going to share love with her grandmother.
When we arrived, M— walked into the room where “Pa” had spent most of his time during our visits, sitting in a reclining chair and often holding and talking with M—. She climbed up into the empty chair, looked around at all of us, and said, “Pa all gone.” So simple. It was clear that she got it (understood what had happened).
She did not cry then. However, she did have two big sessions in the following weeks—once when we lost a balloon, and once watching a movie in which the rabbit hero died at the end. It seemed to me that she had found her way to work on the loss of “Pa.”
Thoughtful communication is possible at any age. Even very young people can make sense of information when it is offered in a timely and thoughtful way. And we can allow them to discharge their feelings as they come up.
USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of parents
(Present Time 205, October 2021)