Eating Distresses and Parenting
My daughter, age thirteen, just shared with me that she has not been eating much for the last three months and has been trying to teach herself to vomit. She is engaged in over-exercising [excessive exercising] and weighs herself and looks in the mirror many times a day. I have been shocked to learn this and have been working diligently to move restimulations out of my way so I can be relaxed and move in her direction. Easier said than done!
Here’s what I’ve done and am doing:
I reduced my work hours and stepped back from some projects to make more time to have Co-Counseling sessions and be available for her.
I assessed the major restimulations I am currently experiencing and prioritized them so that I work on things in a strategic way that will give me consistent, relaxed, and engaged attention for her.
I recommitted to offering her special time and to being flexible about what that looks like. It’s not the same as when she was a younger person.
I’ve discharged on the ways I feel like I have failed as a parent.
I’ve discharged on what I need to in order to have attention for being hated, disliked, and disregarded by her and to be able to continually come back for more with relaxed attention.
I’ve discharged on the “mental health” and medical care systems that I may need to engage with in caring for my child. I want to engage with them from a place of knowing that I am in charge and can discern thinking from “pathologizing,” even if actual thinking is coated in “mental health” language.
I am interested in hearing from those of you who have personal experience with these types of patterns or have counseled girls or women who have them.
What has been effective in counseling people with these types of patterns?
How have you brought an RC family work approach to thinking about these issues? What type of play do you recommend with a young person this age who has this type of struggle?
What directions have helped someone with these types of patterns?
What does secrecy have to do with the patterns, and how do you counsel girls on that?
How do we help young people with this when they are not “willing” clients or engaged in wanting to change the situation?
Are there other patterns related to patterns like this? For instance, could it be useful to counsel my daughter on wanting to be perfect?
This has been such a challenging time. I’m grateful for your support and partnership in thinking about this.
[See responses on the following four pages.]USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion lists for leaders of parents and for leaders of women
(Present Time 204, July 2021)