Admitting I Am Female
Diane’s [Diane Balser’s] constant theme at the Contemporary Women’s Issues Workshop was “female, female, female.” And at some point, I let it in. I realized that I had tried to position myself “above” being male or female to avoid the hurt, humiliation, and shame. I had not wanted to admit that I had been hurt as a female or that sexism had affected me.
But the constant emphasis on “female,” in the close company of over two hundred women (female and Catholic, female and Jewish, female and everything else we could possibly be) got through. Way down deep it was finally safe to take it in.
From the first moment of conception, I had been fully female. I had been conceived in a female’s body, my mother’s, that had come from generations of females. I was fundamentally human—and female. Sexism and male domination were systemic. We all had been hurt. I had been hurt. It was not my fault.
In the days after the workshop, I found myself remembering times when I had been targeted. I remembered a time when I was sixteen and babysitting for a family that lived up the street. The dad had given me a ride home and asked if I’d like to go “make out” [have physical intimacy] in the car. I’d said no, but I’d never told anyone about the incident until now.
The dam that has held back admitting the hurts of sexism has burst, and I can hardly wait for my next session to go over the seemingly endless string of incidents.
At the same time, I feel pride in the power, resourcefulness, endurance, love, work, creativity, and connection that I share with all females. I feel pride in the fight we have waged for centuries. It’s not just a direction—it is great to be female.
Boston, Massachusetts, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of women
(Present Time 204, July 2021)