Counseling Asian Women on the Recent Shootings
I heard about the shootings in Atlanta, Georgia, [see previous article] the morning after they happened and spent the next twenty-four hours feeling numb. I felt bad about not being able to feel more. I’d already had a session lined up with a white Jewish woman, and I did my best to muscle up [bring up] some feelings as a client. Many allies texted me to offer counseling time, expressing concern and love and solidarity. However, I felt humiliated and like I didn’t have the “correct” feelings, so it was hard to want to do sessions. I also couldn’t reach for my regular Co-Counselor of twenty-plus years, another Asian woman.
I sent a group chat to my housemates asking that we “take a breath” for the Asian women killed. One of my housemates, an African-heritage woman from Atlanta, suggested that we light eight candles, eat ice cream, and play joyful music. Her suggestion was a huge contradiction to feeling alone with the news. When it was time for bed, my white female roommate stopped everyone from blowing out the candles and turned to me, paused, and asked, “Are you ready?” Those two human actions, one taking initiative to honor the women, and another putting the decision to blow out the candles in my hands, provided the contradiction [to distress] I needed to start discharging. As I started to discharge, it became easier to reach for others.
With encouragement and permission from my Regional Reference Person, I gathered some Asian women to discharge on the shootings.
We shared what has been hard:
- It’s been hard to see statement after statement not acknowledging or centering the targeting of Asian women. Many of the organizations I belong to (including Asian organizations and white-led women’s groups) are issuing statements condemning anti-Asian violence, but they rarely say that Asian women were the target.
- There is lack of acknowledgement. This is hard on us. (Women at the gathering who work in predominately white spaces discharged on the invisibility.) You don’t need to have an opinion—in fact, that is sometimes not helpful—but say something, anything, to acknowledge this tragic event, especially in gatherings. It could be a moment of breath, a lit candle, an acknowledgement that this has been a hard week. Invisibility is the drumbeat, the wallpaper, of our oppression.
We shared our thoughts about what allies can do:
- Remind us that whatever we feel is valid. Nothing about this is trivial. We may be numb. We may not be able to tell [notice] that it matters. We may be bothered by our allies’ texts or calls. Let us have our feelings. (Many of the women who attended the discharge group felt bad about their responses and feelings. This is internalized oppression. We need to be given space and reminded that every thought, feeling, response is okay and that we get to find our own minds.)
- Acknowledge but don’t interpret our feelings.
- It’s helpful for you to reach for us. It can be helpful to tell us what you see. If there is numbness, you can try directions like “Somewhere, someplace, someone is having a feeling.”
- Appreciating us is helpful. Tell us that you can see that we’re trying, that we’re good, that we’re doing our best, and that this is really hard work.
- Encourage us to write, to speak, to share, to discharge, to open up about what it’s been like as an Asian woman.
Roslindale, Massachusetts, USA
Reprinted from the RC e-mail discussion list for leaders of women
(Present Time 204, July 2021)