From : The Benign Reality
Since The Benign Reality, by Harvey Jackins, won’t be reprinted for a while, we are printing parts of it in Present Time. Here are two selections.
Attracting People to RC
I hear a number of people here say that they don’t know how to attract people or keep them in RC. I think I heard them say, almost every one of them, that they pursue these people and do everything they can think of to interest them, but they don’t reach them. Anxious pursuit is not exactly the model people are looking for. If you are so insecure you’ve got to clutch at somebody else, how are they going to get started feeling confident? People will make first judgments about RC by watching to see how it’s working for you, its advocate, rather than by what you say.
To begin this discussion I would like to suggest that we make a commitment to ourselves and the Great Spirit of the Universe that we at all times act delighted with our situations, with ourselves, with the fact that there are always some problems still to be solved so we won’t get bored, and as if our lives were sublimely satisfying. Which, of course, they are. Now, all of us may have to peel off a little distress now and then. Blows do fall in, you know, but at this point I think everyone here is enough of a theoretician to remember that, underneath the blah pseudo-reality, things are sublimely pleasant.
Isn’t it great to be alive? If you are delighted with yourself, is this going to repel people and drive them away?
First of all, is it good for you to act delighted with yourself? Well, it contradicts almost all of your distresses, doesn’t it? Every joke on television will seem three times as funny, you’ll laugh at it much longer. Sentimental stories or songs will bring more tears, and discharge will leak out in every possible way if you persist in acting delighted with yourself.
Is it good for attracting people? Sure. They don’t usually come up to you and say, “I am attracted to you.” Sometimes they do, and those are rare, golden moments. We are all theoreticians enough, however, to know that the way a person generally is able to hold out his or her pattern for melting is to hit you over the head with it. So instead of saying, “Tell me how you can be so delighted with yourself,” they say, “What are you so goddamned smug about?” Is this any reason for you to become unconfident? They took your bait. They fell into your trap. That is exactly what it means. Of course, it was a benign trap, and it was the one they wanted to fall into.
They will, in most cases, although not always, hold out and rehearse their pattern as an indication that “I am ready to join the fellowship if you really have that much confidence.” Instead of saying, “Help me,” they say, “Here’s my distress. Here’s the way the pattern works.” BANG!! All you have to do is remain delighted with yourself and (you know what happens) they get more and more upset. As they work deeper into the trap, you expand your functioning a little bit. You become delighted with them. (Of course, you know this. Many of you have people standing around you out there berating themselves, “I am not any good, I am evil!” You smile warmly at them. Sometimes they hit you and run away, but they are back the next day to restart the “fight.”)
Eliciting Thinking, Proposing Solutions
SORT OUT WHAT YOU HEAR
When leaders start to elicit—draw out—the thinking of all the members of the group, put it together, fill in the gaps in between what’s been elicited, and then communicate the whole program clearly enough that the group accepts it as their program—and there has been a real attempt to do more of this in RC since the principle first appeared on the cover of Present Time—they sometimes run into some difficulties, and they complain that when they go to elicit the best thinking of the members of the group, they often get a lot of patterns rehearsed at them. This is to be expected. If a leader turns to a Co-Counselor and says, “I’d like to have your ideas,” that Co-Counselor is sometimes going to feel an irresistible urge to haul out some of his or her distress and dramatize it in the hope that the leader will turn counselor and help him or her discharge. (That’s all that’s really behind any dramatization—the hope that if one holds out the distress, somebody will do something about it. Even the worst behavior is a pattern being held out in the hope that somebody will interrupt it so the person can discharge.) This great urge to be counseled will sometimes take over, and the leader will get a lot of garbage when he or she sets out to elicit the best thinking of the members of the group.
THE DIAMONDS ARE THERE
But that’s fine. It’s the leader’s job to pick through the garbage for the diamonds. As one does a lot of this, one becomes more skilled at increasing the proportion of the diamonds and decreasing the proportion of garbage. It’s possible to direct people’s attention more to their ability to think rationally about the problem so that you can increase the proportion of diamonds; but you’re always likely to get some garbage. That’s just part of the job. What garbage you can’t shut off, let it float past you and grab the diamonds as they come by.
Because everyone has something brilliant to contribute; everyone has a unique viewpoint—a unique understanding—of a situation that is extremely valuable if you can incorporate it into the general view. During my life I’ve spent time with some very distressed people. But I’ve never met anyone—among these or elsewhere—who, if I really listened to them, didn’t startle me occasionally with a brilliant observation that I would never have heard from anyone else. There isn’t anyone who doesn’t have something brilliant to contribute if you listen to them well.
PROPOSE A SOLUTION WITH EVERY PROBLEM
Sometimes leaders, out of shyness or a confusion about what is “democratic,” refrain from offering a proposal when they ask a group to think about and discuss a problem. It feels “democratic” to call a meeting and say to the group, “Here’s a problem; does anyone have any ideas?” but this doesn’t work in practice. In practice, saying, “Here’s a problem; any ideas?” restimulates people’s insecurity, and instead of rational discussion you tend to evoke a lot of patterned flak. It “sounds like” it would work, but it never works. Very rarely it appears to work, but then it is because someone else takes on the leadership role that we missed.
It is necessary, if we present a problem, to also present a solution, a proposal. This is a responsibility of the leader. It may not be a very good proposal, but if it’s the best you can come up with [think of], you’ll get a positive, rational response from the group. You’ll get some constructive thinking. They may simply accept your proposal. Don’t be confused if they say, “Gee, that’s great,” and don’t want to discuss anymore but just go on to the next point. People are smart enough to recognize a good proposal, and they hate to waste time. At other times they may amend your suggestion, or they may completely reject it and replace it, but whatever response it is is likely to be a rational response.
The Benign Reality pages 281 to 283. “The Nature of Leadership”
(Present Time 199, April 2020)