My Integrity as a Gay RCer

Ever since I started Co-Counseling, I've been aware of the Gay policy and have tried to work on it from different angles.

At a recent workshop I noticed I couldn't connect to the topic of the workshop because of my internalized Gay oppression. The only feeling I could feel was that deep, bitter, lonely, shameful sadness that comes up for me when I think about the Gay policy. Instead of sticking to the topic of the workshop, I chose discharge. With three different counselors I thought about my integrity -- about what integrity means for a Gay RCer.

Integrity is a way of life. It means taking on everything I think is right. It means acting on the best thinking I have at the moment, which also means taking the risk that my best thinking is not the best thinking and thus that what I do may not be the most rational thing to do in a particular situation.

I am an RCer. I am committed to my own and other people's re-emergence. I use the discharge process to check human phenomena against reality. I know that our ever-growing theory is the best thinking I can rely on in the areas in which I have not yet discharged enough. Being an RCer means being ready to question things I am not used to questioning and to check everything by discharge.

I am a Gay man. As I faced the policy, it became clear to me that being homosexual means much more to me than acknowledging that I am attracted to other men. It has to do with beauty. It has to do with the desire to reach some sort of perfection. It has to do with my dignity and with the many struggles I went through because I honestly believed that good homosexual relationships were possible and tried to prove it with my own life. It's hard to write about this. I know it may sound totally distressed to some people, and perhaps it is, but this does not change the fact that it is the way I experience being a Gay man.

In those three sessions at the workshop I tried to think about how brave and rigorous I am in facing what seems to be reality and how honestly I keep on trying to do well in my homosexual relationship. That helped me to notice my integrity. The way I live may not be fully rational, but it is consistent with my current best thinking. It isn't a timid way of life. My thinking isn't settled or narrow, and it isn't unprincipled either. In my sessions at the workshop the only real contradiction seemed to be the one this realization provided to my internalized Gay oppression, especially to the shame.

It's worth mentioning that after the second session I was in much better shape, so I could pay more attention to the topic of the workshop. Interestingly, the emotions that emerged in relation to classism were almost identical to those brought up by the Gay policy: feeling defeated and humiliated, feeling stupid, feeling like I could not do well no matter how I tried. Now I see what the interlocking of all oppressions really means. This second realization makes me confident that discharging in one particular area will affect my functioning in many others as well.

"Angelo Barbuto"
Budapest, Hungary

 


Last modified: 2017-05-06 23:35:41-07