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Racism and the Collapsing Society, Barbara Love and Tim Jackins, June 7, 2020

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My Relationships

I consider myself successful in my relationships, because while I have many that are messy or not as close as I would like, there are very few that I have given up on. And most of my relationships improve year after year. Partly that is because of a decision I made (and try to remember) that I will use every contact with people as an opportunity to move our relationship forward.

I have learned from the years (and years!) of discharging and putting attention on relationships that once I have gotten close to someone, my early material1 or my oppressor material will, sooner or later, come up in the relationship disguised as a problem in the relationship, or a problem with the other person. And I have learned that I can never believe the feelings of that material. Never.

Fortunately I’m smarter than my material. I can, and do (at least eventually, after sessions) discharge my way to a repeated decision not to withdraw from the relationship. I am committed to doing the work necessary to reclaim the depth of the relationship that was once present. (I am guided by Harvey’s2 wisdom that we always only love people more and more, that anything else is the effect of distress on us.)

The feelings during the hard times are confusing; there is no indication whatsoever from my feelings that the relationship is a good one for me or that the person I once loved is still an excellent person. And I can’t count on my sessions to resolve the bad feelings quickly enough to keep me wanting to be in the relationship. I have to decide to be fully guided by my intelligence and what I know about the person, about human beings, about oppression, and about my material. During the hard, restimulated times, I have to repeatedly state to the person my intention and caring, because otherwise he or she is confused by my lack of warmth and irritated attitude. And I have to discharge over and over on the early incidents, to root out and resolve the early hurt.

But it works.

Diane Shisk

Seattle, Washington, USA


1 Material means distress.

2 Harvey Jackins’

Last modified: 2021-06-01 12:29:59+00